One would think after so many years of weathering the storm of depression it would become less scary to fall into the deep, dark abyss….but it’s not.
When the lows last for more than a couple days, the pain becomes so debilitating and heavy you fear that it’s never going to go away.
You look outside at the world around you with everyone busy doing life at a normal pace but on the inside you are frozen. It starts to feel as though your limbs are numb and you have an inability to function at a normal pace or even at all. It’s as if you are not apart of the world, you are only an observer and it pains you even more that you can’t participate.
When you are hurting so much, but not in the sense that you want to cry, you just want to simply disappear, leave your conscious mind and shut off all of the parts of you that feel so heavy and overwhelming. That is when the fear sets in that this could go on forever.
After a week or more of feeling this way I will start to fantasize about all of this darkness passing and try to recall what it feels like to wake up and be happy and present. The first thing I look forward to is that sense of impending doom being lifted I try remind myself that I am capable of moments of pure joy and peace of mind.
Having a Spiritual practice in times like this has allowed me to get back to ‘normal’ or at least a lot stronger and helps to decrease the number of days that I suffer.
I created a sacred space in the corner of my bedroom where I have my meditation pillow, my altar, candles, crystals and other items that allow me to feel a deep sense of peace.
I light my candle, take out my intention journal and ask the Universe to please take this terrible pain away from me because I can’t take much more. Then I set my timer for 20 minutes and begin a meditation where I place my hand over my heart or my chest, wherever it hurts the most and I breathe into the pain. My only focus is breathing in and breathing out and allow myself to detach from my depressive thoughts and heaviness of heart.
Sometimes after the 20 minutes of meditation I feel as though I have lifted myself back up and can go about my day in a more peaceful way and other times I am given the strength to walk through the remainder of my day along with the uncomfortable emotions.
What I have learned is that my depression and the dark times will never 100% go away. That is something I actively practice accepting because I need to because it is what it is for me. I have also learned that having a strong Spiritual practice has supported me and allowed me to function a lot easier during the really dark days.