Some days I wake up in pain and I have not even gotten out of bed yet..
Then I get worried that my entire day is going to be filled with a heavy heart and feeling the need to “run” from whatever bad feeling is coming up for me. I can feel pain/fear/loss/grief/heartache/guilt to the point where it steals from my experience of the present moment and then I feel awful because I am wasting precious moments in my life.
I am always scared of these bad feelings even though they come quite often..I get that pending sense of doom that I will now feel this way forever and become very hopeless.
When I feel hopeless it has to be hands down the worst feeling in the world.
My entire world becomes so small and I analyze my career, my relationships, my future and it all feels so bleak and terrible.
This has been an ongoing struggle of mine for so many years that I tend to wonder if it’s just who I am to feel this way and that makes me feel even more hopeless and sad…
But then I have this other side. The side that is happy and grateful, full of life, smiles, wants to conquer the world, journal about my aspirations and dreams, love and all that is wonderful.
I start to think that maybe that is my true authentic self and the other part is from the beliefs I created about myself from my past experiences in my childhood or any traumatic experience where I felt large amounts of fear.
Does everyone have this inner struggle?
Why do I need to do so much inner work just to have a nice, peaceful day?
I choose to see this as a blessing because my journey here is to reach the inner depths of my soul and in order to do this, I need to go far, far down into the dark places within me that scare me and make me want to hate myself so I can replace that dark with light..
I need to forgive myself for hating myself and for others who have hurt me because if I don’t I will keep repeating negative behaviors such as addiction or ruining the good things in my life.
All I want is peace, love, happiness and freedom from self.
Those all seem like things one should automatically feel but I guess some of us have to work harder to feel them because we are the chosen ones to suffer and find the light within ourselves so that we may help others on their journey when it becomes dark and hopeless..
Today I won’t run from my pain…I will feel it, accept it, learn from it and hopefully help someone else do the same.