Today my depression reared it’s ugly head and all I wanted to do was disappear. It was one of those days where my brain turned on me and an ugly truth came to the surface.
The downward spiral came around quick much like a torrential rainfall that turns into a terrible storm. I couldn’t move. All I could do was cry. My tears felt like they were coming from a very deep place inside myself from the little girl who never felt good enough or worth anyones love and protection.
I was on a phone call with a very big interview today with a woman who could change my entire life by helping me and guiding me how to start my business. I felt this huge connection and my heart told me this girl would take my career higher than I ever could alone and best of all I would be able to serve and spread love on the highest possible level.
I pictured it, I envisioned it, I FELT it! The feelings of accomplishment, the happiness, the joy, the overall sense of fulfillment of living my purpose, it felt magical.
But then I really thought about it and I just started to crumble.
Who am I do dream big? Who am I to think I could follow my heart? Who do I think I am to wish something like this?
I think what took me down was when she told me how much the one year mentorship program was going to cost because when she did my heart sunk. I knew I would have to ask for some financial assistance and all my excitement and hope turned to dread.
I got off the phone making a promise that I would call back tomorrow to see if I could get the assistance I needed because the program starts the first week of February. I was devastated.
I got extremely depressed and low and all I could do was cry and when I finally realized what was happening it was not a pretty picture.
I have written before about how my depression has stolen many things from me, but this is by far the biggest thing my depression has taken from me: MY SELF WORTH.
All these years of believing my disease that I am a failure, I will never be anything, do anything meaningful, I am a waste of space, I am a fraud, I AM NOT WORTHY. These types of negative thoughts that I saw as truths have taken me to a level far below where any person should be on the “worthy” scale.
Today reminded me that I have a lot of work to do and that although these dark episodes can take me down to the deepest parts of my insecurities, I have to fight back. I have to do something different. I have to go against what my brain has been programmed to think and choose another thought. I have to rebuild my foundation of self love because without that, I won’t survive.
Yes I have a disease that wants to make me believe I am a worthless person and wants me to sit in isolation and sleep my days away and never reach my full potential but I am going to choose a different way. I am going to take the tools of Spirituality I have learned to sit with those negative emotions:
- I will be Aware that they are present
- I will Accept them
- I will Surrender them
- I will LET GO