When I rack my brain to remember the last time I didn’t have depression I realize that I was 18 years old. Up to that point I was talkative, spirited, lively, bubbly and had so many plans for my bright future. I never missed my commitments, parties, school, dances, sporting events or any of it […]
There is something oddly beautiful about pain. It forces you to look at it square in the face. The heaviness, the sadness, the despair, the hopelessness…. To know that one can feel so deeply, so weighed down with emotion, it’s like nothing you could ever imagine. It’s trying, it’s scary, it’s a black abyss where […]
I finally heard it. The exact words that describe what happened to me when I was a little girl. “My spirit got broken.” When I heard someone say those words the other day, a whole new world of pain opened up for me when I realized that it was exactly it, the perfect description to […]
“What hurts you blesses you, darkness is your candle.” ~Rumi We are all born with it. The beautiful bright light in our soul, filled with love and happiness. I remember having that feeling of being so alive and free and untouched by fear or worry. This is who we are at the core of our […]
When I am in a low of my depression, my world becomes very small, dark and I am in an extremely desperate place. Most days in this place I am wishing I was “not around” that is my version of I want to take my life or life to just take me out. […]
There is nothing much different today. The only difference is I don’t want to be inside my head. Is it because I’m without my meds? The clouds are back? My fear? This shift is typical, but never welcome. It invades my insides, mainly my mind and heart. It’s all gray, there is no color. I […]
(A Letter I Wish I Received To Warn Me About My Depression) Dear Courtney, I know right now life seems easy and you enjoy your life, but I need to let you know that you need to prepare for a big and dark storm that is coming your way at the age of 18. Please […]
Unfortunately I know the difference between living and surviving my life. My definition of living would be waking up, getting out of bed and doing the normal steps of the morning without pain and discomfort and an overwhelming sense of dread. When you are surviving your life, each small step that seems to come so […]
The other night when I was going to bed, I told my fiancee that I was not sure I could “do another day like today.” He quickly asked me what I meant when i said that and I had to run away because I wasn’t brave enough to say it out loud….I can’t take pain like […]
Yesterday she came to visit and as always, she was not invited. She was, as usual, ruthless and relentless with her words telling you that you will never get better and for some reason yesterday you actually believed her. She reminded you like she always does, that she hates you and has gotten to the […]
Happiness, Love and Light 