Sometimes it feels as though I make incredible progress with my dark emotions and past wounds and then all of a sudden I fall right back to what feels like my very first time dealing with my depression.
Feeling disconnected from self is hard to explain.
I feel no connection to my life around me, everything seems difficult and looking at my future feels dark and dismal.
My mind takes over and my heart seems no where to be found.
I can feel certain emotions with people closest to me, but the minute they leave I am back to blank.
A blank canvas with invisible paint. Even if I tried, it would come out empty and so colorless.
All that I continue to work for, live for, find my purpose in slowly turns to gray and I am left confused and filled with fatigue.
Escaping this place is on the forefront of my mind, but I have no choice I have to walk through it with no directions from my soul.
I can bring on more suffering by trying to guess what got me back to this lifeless place again, what did I do? Not do? Say? Not Say?
Will my mediation bring me back into connection with self? I am so afraid to be alone with my mind that seems to jump back and forth from being a friend to being a terrible enemy.
It’s the battle. It’s “that place”, whatever you want to call it, it’s back.
Always uninvited but when it goes away there is always something left in the form of a gift. Maybe it’s more compassion and less judgment of others.
Sometimes it’s more courage and bravery that I will keep in my pocket for the next time I fall.
And the truth is, I will always fall.
No matter how much I wish, pray or plead, it’s my lifelong struggle but I know in the deepest place in my heart, I am never alone.