“Emotional pain is not just a psychological issue; it is a spiritual issue. Depression may or may not be a disease of the brain, but it is definitely a disease of the soul. Modern psychotherapy has taken up some of the slack, and yet it too fails to deliver when it doesn’t acknowledge the soul work necessary to heal our emotional pain.” -Tears To Triumph by Marianne Williamson

I cannot tell you how many times I have debated this question.

Is my depression chemical or is it an issue of my soul and my past traumatic experiences?

When I fell into such a deep hole and felt my only solution was to take my life, anti-depressants made absolute sense to me to save me.

Now looking back at the tender age of 22 when I started to take medication I can see that I was highly addicted to drugs and alcohol (both depressants) I had major unresolved childhood abuse issues, I couldn’t speak my truth, I had stage 3 Melanoma, my parents were getting divorced and one of my very best friends from childhood turned against me.

Depressed? Hell yes. Was it chemical at that point? I have no clue. I believe I had a broken soul and shattered spirit.

Could I have made it without taking my own life if I never started the anti-depressants? Probably not, but now, over 20 years later I have and continue to work on my issues and fill my soul with unconditional love, but I’m scared to death to stop the drugs.

I am sober almost 5 years, meditate daily, practice mindfulness and speak my truth to the best of my ability but yet I am waking up and taking my thyroid medication which I was told the reason why my two other drugs, Viibryd and Welbutrin, were not working.

I can still have really dark days which almost break my heart worse because I feel like I am doing everything I can do be ok.

I will continue to do my Soul Work and work with others who have lost their way with their depression and anxiety.

My hope is one day I can live my life without any anti-depressants but currently my fear of falling into a deeper hole is bigger than my willingness to have Faith that it was in fact, my broken soul