I finally heard it.
The exact words that describe what happened to me when I was a little girl.
“My spirit got broken.”
When I heard someone say those words the other day, a whole new world of pain opened up for me when I realized that it was exactly it, the perfect description to what started my journey into darkness.
I was this innocent light with so much happiness, so much joy and such a trusting nature.
I could do anything, talk to anyone, love everyone….I was full of life.
Then at the age of 7, fear entered into my life and I slowly started to disappear and disconnect from the fiery spirit I was born with.
Being a sensitive soul from the beginning, I could always feel everything around me, the negative energy, the positiver energy and hated the feeling when any sort of conflict would arise.
When the physical abuse started, it robbed me of so many beautiful things.
Being hit with belts and hangers did something to me that I will not ever be able to articulate with words how much this harmed me and my soul.
When the abuse started it made me question so many things that came so easily to me before it all started.
My self worth. What unconditional love really meant. Being able to trust 100%. Having an open heart. Being ok with not knowing the outcome.
All of that went out the window and I have had to spend over 30 years trying to get back to remembering my worth, rebuilding my self esteem and trusting that I will be ok no matter what.
All my work I do now it to help other broken spirits who have lost their way, who got the same messages I did about not being good enough or worthy.
I spent years blaming and escaping through self destruction to try to run away from the brokenness I felt at such a young age…..but none of that truly worked or made me heal.
My level of resentment has always far outweighed my willingness to forgive and that has only caused me more pain.
Today I need to take responsibility for my own broken spirit and forgive and move on.
I need to also remember that just because I am deciding to forgive does not mean I condone the behaviors that hurt me so deeply.
I am choosing to let go, release the hold the pain has had on me and finally reconnect to the beautiful spirit that has been there all along, it was just covered up in unnecessary suffering.