Powerless at the Ocean..

Tonight I decided to take a solo trip out to Santa Cruz and stay at a hotel room on the beach to find out where I am at my deepest emotional level.

The beach is where I am reminded that I am powerless over a lot of things in my life and it’s a place where I have to remember what I can surrender, what I can let go of and which way I need to head when my path has come to a roadblock.

I no longer look at roadblocks as punishment that my life is not going how I thought it was ‘supposed’ to go. I now look for the lesson and the message the Universe is trying to show me and tell me.

My whole life up until about 4 years ago I lived 100% in my own stubborn and somewhat destructive will. I would sit at a closed door and try to break it down to get past the place on my path where the door had appeared. I didn’t know that doors closed, people leave, certain situations that you thought would last forever all of sudden change at the blink of an eye because they are no longer part of the ‘plan’.

That is where my suffering came in from as far back as I can remember. I thought I knew better how my life was supposed to look, who was supposed to be in it, where my career was supposed to head….. I suffered because I resisted the roadblocks, I resisted what the Universe was trying to show me and lead me next. I didn’t trust. I relied solely on my broken self and my stubborn will that had taken me to some of the darkest places I have ever been. I fought what was right for me and when you continue to sit at the closed doors or keep walking down the same streets with the same potholes that you continually fall into, you become desperate and fearful because you are not having Faith in the one thing that is trying to gently lead you in the right direction.

When I first heard the term, “Let Go, Let God or Universe” (or whatever your Higher Power is) I had no idea what that looked like and I desperately wanted to feel the freedom of handing my pain, confusion, depression, addiction, broken heart, disappointment… all of it, hand it all over and try to see what the lessons are in all of these heartbreaking experiences.

That is when I realized that all of my experiences, especially my most excruciatingly painful ones have been lessons. Lessons that have had to be so difficult and soul crushing that I was forced to my knees or lying on the ground sobbing unable to stop. All of these times that I could call my darkest hours, they forced me to see what I was truly made of.

No one is born wise. They say the definition of wisdom is “healed pain”.

We are all handed lessons that are unbearable to us while they are happening and we all question to ourselves, “Why me? How much more pain can life hand me? When will I be free of these tough times? Why do others have it so much easier?”

What I know is each heartbreak, each time I had to go to rehab for my addiction, each time I couldn’t get out of my bed in the morning because of my depression, each time my feelings of shame and guilt for breaking up my family took me down to my knees in pain, each time a friend wronged me or turned on me…..all of it, it was all a part of the plan to break me open to become a more compassionate person.

Yes, I am powerless over what life hands me on a day-to-day basis but I know the following for sure:

I will continue to trust that whatever is taken away or whatever roadblock I hit on my path, I will know it’s a sign that I need to move in a different direction. I will trust that I am being guided and taken care of on the deepest level and that I will always be ok, no matter what.