The Dark Wave

Just like knowing that every minute or less at the beach a wave will roll in….This is the way I look at my depression, a wave I know is going to come no matter what medicine I take or how much I wish it away; it will continue forever.

I have no control over this happening which I have to remember I can’t control, nobody can. Wanting to believe that one day it will stop is an impossible as believing I can stop the waves of the ocean.

Sometimes my depression is so big and frightening that it brings me down to such a state of hopelessness and self hate that I contemplate not being around anymore because surely that would be way less painful…

I submerge to my bedroom and find comfort in hiding under the covers with pillows over my head in hopes of fending off this scary monster which has now taken over my mind..

The pain grips into my heart and takes over my chest. I see no love and I see no light. This feeling feels more like my reality, my end, my demise, my greatest enemy taking me out.

I never know what will bring this on. I could be driving to work, sitting in a meeting, in the middle of a conversation or playing with one of my sons…

I go from my happy and sunny disposition to the dreaded dark side. My hope, my faith, my love, my inner fire all go away in a matter of minutes.

Then my fear takes over and I am no longer able to cope with the normal mundane things in life. My whole body is trapped in a dark hole in my mind. I know this place very well but every time I go there it still scares me as though it’s the very first time it happened at the tender age of 18…

I need to sleep, I have to sleep. I can no longer escape with alcohol like I used to. I am extremely exhausted and overly sensitive. Sleep will make it go away; I need to go to sleep no matter where I am or whoever needs me. If you only knew how badly needed to escape and sleep you would never get in my way or question what I was doing…sleep is my savior from this dark state of mind..

The shame and guilt I carry around is overwhelming. I try to hide this from my husband, my children, my friends and strangers, anyone who tries to look at me in the eye when I’m in my scary state.

This is not what I asked for, it’s not fair, and I can’t handle it, why is God punishing me like this? To know it’s never going to go away makes me feel so scared and so weak…

This is my cross to bear along with my alcoholism. I have accepted my alcoholism, why can I not accept my depression? Is one the cause of the other?

I thought I became a depressed alcoholic over a broken heart but little did I know I had a broken soul.

When your soul is broken your whole world becomes a dark place and you are forced to go inside. The only way through is through. It’s the only way back to the light.

I believe out of darkness comes Faith, how could it not?

Faith is the only thing you have when you are down that far..

Faith is knowing that “this too shall pass”

I know I have more dark waves to ride out in my lifetime and I believe only by acceptance of “what is” will get me through those dark waves and look at my biggest burdens and my biggest blessings..