If you had asked me a year or so ago, “Courtney are you a totally honest person?” I would have said yes of course! I don’t steal, I am ethical in my business and I pay my taxes .
Well it turns out honesty is much more than that and I am just now seeing why.
From as far back as I can remember I was always scared to tell people if they hurt my feelings, if I was angry or anything I thought would hurt someones feelings. Turns out by not telling my truth, I was being dishonest.
I started responding how I thought others wanted me to respond. I have been told more than once that I am a “people pleaser” which makes my skin crawl because I feel like it sounds to pathetic…but as much as I don’t want to be I guess I am am. I like to say I am currently recovering from people pleasing..
This lack of honesty has ruined many of my relationships. I would have secret expectations of someone and if they didn’t meet them, I would become resentful and end the relationship. I would rather leave a relationship than tell my truth. Why would I do this? It seems so simple to just say what is so… but for me it seems impossible and scary.
I did however have something called “liquid honesty” which meant every time I would drink too much, all the repressed anger or resentment would come up and I would tell you exactly how I felt. This at times was a very long list because I never shared what was really going on with me. This hurt a lot of people in my life because they had absolutely no idea I felt that way.
Life continually sends me opportunities to tell people how I really feel and even though it feels really uncomfortable I know in my heart that I am proving to myself that my feelings are worthy and people really can trust me.
Happiness, Love and Light 
I can resonate with this experience.
I was raised by quite controlling parents who taught me that disagreeing with them meant sinful and with other bad labels you can imagine.
And the worst part was that, my parents were not taught to communicate how they felt nor the parents would care and they followed the same patterns. They were beaten up if they disagreed and I was treated the same way.
Since then, I was afraid to speak up. I was afraid to create conflict and to be beaten up and I was afraid to be disliked especially when I dealt with my closest people like my parents, relatives,best friends, and employers.
I always ran from conflicts because I did not know how to communicate what I feel especially when I did not agree with them without hurting them.
I quit job very often because I did not enjoy it , I could not deal with overbearing employers nor I knew how to tell my ideas without making myself looking superior. I was not confidence with my own ideas and voices and then I decided to be a tarot card reader when I am obliged to say what the cards say and even when it is at the expense of upsetting my clients who expected to hear what they wanted to hear.
I found out that I have been highly appreciated for that and I am not really afraid if they do not like the result of what I read and they keep coming back because of this courage to stand up for myself.
My way to deal with my shortcoming is by using it as my benefit. I still have issues communicating how I feel when I was angry and I lost friends because of it, but it was my decisions and I am responsible for that.
I must overcome my my need to be right yet at the same time I am quite happy that being honest and straight forward is my forte that other people in need can take advantage from
Love,
Purna
Couldn’t agree with this more! Looking forward to your reads as I struggle through the everydays of life, crazy kids, marriage, building a business etc. you are truly inspirational and am so happy for you Courtney!!!! Xoxo
Amber thank you so so much, that means a lot to me. I think by sharing, it helps me walk through all these challenges and hopefully help others as well. Thanks for the note xo