If you had asked me a year or so ago, “Courtney are you a totally honest person?” I would have said yes of course! I don’t steal, I am ethical in my business and I pay my taxes .
Well it turns out honesty is much more than that and I am just now seeing why.
From as far back as I can remember I was always scared to tell people if they hurt my feelings, if I was angry or anything I thought would hurt someones feelings. Turns out by not telling my truth, I was being dishonest.
I started responding how I thought others wanted me to respond. I have been told more than once that I am a “people pleaser” which makes my skin crawl because I feel like it sounds to pathetic…but as much as I don’t want to be I guess I am am. I like to say I am currently recovering from people pleasing..
This lack of honesty has ruined many of my relationships. I would have secret expectations of someone and if they didn’t meet them, I would become resentful and end the relationship. I would rather leave a relationship than tell my truth. Why would I do this? It seems so simple to just say what is so… but for me it seems impossible and scary.
I did however have something called “liquid honesty” which meant every time I would drink too much, all the repressed anger or resentment would come up and I would tell you exactly how I felt. This at times was a very long list because I never shared what was really going on with me. This hurt a lot of people in my life because they had absolutely no idea I felt that way.
Life continually sends me opportunities to tell people how I really feel and even though it feels really uncomfortable I know in my heart that I am proving to myself that my feelings are worthy and people really can trust me.