The pains of grieving

Grief. It’s such a huge emotion and one that makes me wonder if the pain of it every truly goes away completely.

The grief that I am experiencing is something I didn’t think I had a right to because in the past I associated grief with a loved one passing away. I had no idea it applied to losing someone in your life who you loved very much…but they are still here.

I am grieving the loss of a relationship that I chose to leave.

Some days I feel such a sense of loss that it feels like like my heart weighs 100 pounds. All these feelings of guilt and sadness creep up and my whole world becomes fixated on the pain. Even though the decision was “for the best” it does not lighten the heavy load on my heart. I know that I created this enormous loss and the fact that it affected so many people that I love makes me worry that every time I revisit this it will bring me back to square one where all the pain and hurt are so intense and overwhelming.

When I experience grieving it can make my whole world feel so small because the loss feels so much bigger than anything else and it hurts me to my core. 

I can’t escape from my grief; it will never go away by me denying it. My only choice is to be extra gentle with myself when I am feeling this way because I have a tendency to allow my guilt and shame to consume me.

Grieving is a process that I have to accept may never go away completely. My hope is that I will become better equipped to deal with it and forgive myself for making a decision that caused it. 

With any change there is a loss. We will all experience grief at some point in our lives. If I have learned anything from the losses I have experienced it is that we must feel the heavy emotion because the only way through is through..

 

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